Things La Doof Kitton loves

as a counterpoint to the hate for things like paper towels and mailmen, I think I need to list things La Doof Kitton loves:

-Wool.  He  is, at this moment, making sweet sweet love to a diaper cover.  He made out with a hat of mine earlier today.  He only likes 100% wool and as such, was actually given a WWII era army hat by his uncle because he adored it so much

-Tackling El Gato.  She out-weighs him by, er, a lot.  So he tackles her, she fights back, she wins, she struts away and he tackles again.  She can win 15 times but he still wins the war because he's ready for round 16.

-Chewing on Mr G's ankles when the mailman scares him.  It makes him feel safer  better.  (by 'him', I mean La Doof Kitton.  Mr. G's ankles don't feel better.  They look a bit red and bleedy)

-Mom's hair brush.  This is good to cuddle, unlike the cat hair brush which is apparently made of owies and kitton death wish.

-The Microwave cart.  This is where one can hide behind the toaster and pop out, pretending to be toast, scaring mommy half to death.

-Boots.  An entire La Doof Kitton can more or less fit in mommy's cowboy boots.  Not only are these a great place to hide cat toys, they're also fun to chew on (grr)

-Nylons/pantyhose.  To be fair, I may be giving him credit for something that was El Gato's doing, but the first 3 pair I pulled out of my drawer this weekend had holes chewed in them.  (note to self, buy a lock for the drawer)

-Buffy's failure to use a sippy-cup properly.  I'm not sure Buffy is a 'favorite thing' (although her crib, when she's not in it, may be), but poorly handled sippy cups lead to delicious puddles of whole-milk scattered around and on the high chair. 

-The High chair.  These things were MADE for cats.  There's a (somewhat) cushion-y seat.  They're high up.  And the tray doubles as a bed.  And occasionally, they're covered with tasty bits of food/milk

mmm, cat treats.

Every morning and every evening, the pets in the G household get treats.

Some people think we spoil our pets.  Really, we just want to ake sure none of them have done anything incredibly stupid--giving treats is how we eliminate reduce the odds that one of the critters spends the night/day on a shelf locked in the linen closet, in the dryer, locked outside, trapped in the garage, etc.

For those who don't know, Buffy recently became mobile.  She doesn't crawl but she does a scooting that moves her faster than her parents realise.
This makes feeding the pets in the morning extra challenging.  Remember the old 'items and a boat' (The Simpsons do it best, but I suppose the traditional 'fox, goose, bag o' beans' is more classic)?  It's like that.  Buffy wants to steal the treats/hug/otherwise bother all the pets.  Dawg wants to steal the treats of all the cats.  The cats won't EAT Dawg's treats, but wll bother the bejeebes out of her.  La Doof Kitton tries to steal El Gato's treats and El Gato is the world's slowest eater.  You have 1 high chair and 3 pets in the living room...

Normally, I put Buff in her high chair while arranging all of this--because of the above mentioned issues.  This particular day, I forgot.  I put Buffy down on the kitchen floor, went in the living room where I gave El Gato her treats and, on the other end of the living room (closer to the kitchen) gave La Doof Kitton his treats.  Then I gave Dawg HER treats in the hallway, after dragging her away from stealing El Gato's treats.

At that moment, I see Buffy scooting her wee butt across the living room with a look on her face that resembles a cat that ate the canary.  It looks closer to 'the baby who ate the cat treat' though and I realise that La Doof Kitton looks PIIIIISSSSSED.

I pick up Buffy, take her to the kitchen were I have better lighting, and pry her mouth open.  I stick a finger in (which promptly gets bitten) and 'finger sweep' until the Pounce treat, now resembling chicken-flavored-play dough, falls on the floor.  El Gato appears, sniffs it...and eats it.  La Doof Kitton glowers from the corner and Buffy screams that I took away 'her' treat.
I consider telling El Gato that it belongs to La Doof Kitton, but I figure that he has stolen a gazillion of El Gato's treats in the past few years, he deserves to loose this one.

I think La Doof Kitton is having to learn hard lessons about the new pecking order--and so am I.  Buffy must be in the high chair when treating pets.

A new enemy awaits, lurking in shadows...

(For the record, I wish I had pictures.  I do not, because Mr. G, being the fastidious man he is, keeps cleaning them up before I dig out the camera.  I'd complain about that but grousing about someone cleaning up is just foolishness personified.)

For the past several years, the kittehs have been oblivious to a mortal enemy that has stalked them as they enjoyed the relative  peace and tranquility of their home.

This month...La Doof Kitton discovered this fiend.  He has battled with this assailiant no fewer than 5 timssince midsummer's eve--maybe several other pitched battles have taken place that the household members are yet unaware of.

Now nightly, La Doof Kitton and this towering terror match wits and battle with fang and claw.  Thus far, though the battles have been hard fought and fraught with danger, the Kitton has sustained only minor wounds while inflicting serious damage on the enemy.
But the enemy is clever and powerful and, disguised as a necessary part of home life, he resurrects whenever the 2 legged creatures in the home approach him.  He comes back from the grave, his near demise never becomes permanent.

La Doof Kitton even took to dragging his kill out of the kitchen and into other rooms in the house to finish the job--quite a struggle when the fiend is mounted to a kitchen cabinet.   But still, the demise never remains permanent--like a phoenix from the ashes, a new dastardly villain takes up residence once the humans approach.

Mr. G, foolish mortal that he is, even had the audacity to place this creature-of-darkness out of the reach of Kittehs, in the "La Doof Kitton proof box".  Mr. G may have become a Thrall of the powerful enemy, hence extending his protection as he entombs the Kitton's rival away from the Kitton's teeth.

And that ^^ is why I found a roll of paper-towel in the microwave today.  Apparently it's the only way we don't loose half a roll of it, nightly, to the Kitton's new found desire to shred it.  He can pull it out of the holder, take it to other rooms, and dissect it very carefully.  So now, at bedtime, the pets get treats, and the paper towel is removed from the holder and joins the baked goods in the microwave

Flowers for the Kitton

Buffy is learning how to 'fish for kittons":

You start with appropriate 'bait'.  Flags are excellent

Then you wave the bait around a lot.

It helps if you do this for the 'right' kitteh.  El Gato is not interested in flags when they are attached to loud, moving Buffy.

Eventually, the kitton, who has been waiting, just out of reach for ages, will be unable to resist and will come barreling out of nowhere to attack the bait.

Do you remember "Who framed Roger Rabbit"?  Where they tap 'shave and a hair cut' and the poor rabbit is trying DESPERATELY not to come bursting out but eventually can't stop himself?  Yep.  It looks a lot like that.
Buffy LOVES it when she finally wins.

You can also fish using a flower on a stick

Lookout behind you!  Lasers!

Conversations in our house..

These are recent conversations in the GB house (between the 2 grown-up humans who live here):

"What happened to the paper towel?"
"La Doof Kitton"
"oh. Why?"
"because he's a *expletive deleted because we try to be PG around here*. Apparently he just plain got pissy and managed to get on the counter last night, pull the roll of toweling off of the holder, and take it to the living room. Where he shredded it"
*La Doof Kitton strolls into the room*
"what did towels ever do to YOU?"
*he looks at us, jumps onto the counter where he isn't allowed, makes a claw-swipe at the towels, and then runs to the basement*
"bastard."
^I could add names to who said what but...I think it's interchangeable for us on this one. You can assume the EXACT same conversation was repeated about what happened to the stuff in my work bag I left on the kitchen table recently.

-----
Conversation at 4 am
Me: "what's that noise?"
Mr G: "what noise?"
*rustling noise*
Me: "That noise"
*Horrible crash followed by skittering of claws/paws and baby crying from scary noises*
Me: "I got the baby, you figure out what La Doof Kitton has"
*Mr G. walks into the nursery where I'm comforting/feeding Buffy*
Mr G: "I forgot to put the cookies into the Kitton proof box. But I brought you a cookie!" *sharing cookie*
Me, to La Doof Kitton: "You know you're a bastard"
La Doof Kitton: *looks smug*
Me:

just a photo-update of the pets and their new addition....

I apologize if the pictures aren't great--do you have any idea how hard it is to herd cats and Dawg and a baby into one frame?   THis is what we have though:



Defeated by kitteh!





Confused by how this happened...

 


Even the big Kitteh loves toys!  Kinda.




La Doof Kitton mostly likes the strings.  And stealing toys from babies.
Baby is learning how to use strings to 'fish for kittehs'



Dawgs get in trouble for stealing toys so they just have to settle for
stealing Boppy pillows.

La Doof Kitton keeps trying to feed himself to the baby.  Not quite sure why :)

They say cats aren't capable of plitting revenge......

They lie.

Earlier this week, the family had a morning with some family togetherness.  I was sitting in the rocking chair, feeding Buffy.  Mr. G was sitting on the ottoman next to us, and the pets were busy doing their thing.

Mr. G brought me a bagel because he's a nice guy and I had a migraine.  However, because I had a migraine, after a few bites, I had to move the bagel out of 'smell range' for a few; I asked him to set it on the nursery night-stand, just out of reach while we finished planning our day.

A moment later a small white and gray paw appeared over the top of the night stand.  Remember those cartoons where a cat (Sylvester) is under the table and his paw walks to the food?  Yep, just like that.  There was a claw trying desperately to hook my bagel.

Mr. G was quick on the draw and snagged the plate o' bagel out of reach and then made several comments about winning the battle, cats not being able to take over the world because they don't have opposable  thumbs, and 'HA, no bagel for you!'.  And then we went back to planning our day.

Quick as thought, La Doof Kitton appeared on the night stand.  The Mr. repeated a comment about "ha, see, no bagel for you; I have it here".  La Doof Kitton walked across where the bagel had been, over to my rather heavy water bottle, and head butted it.  Hard.

There was a slow motion sequence as the water bottle tipped, fell and spiraled downward...with the heavy part of the base landing square on the bony part of the Mr.'s bare foot.

Buffy woke up because I was laughing so hard I cried (sorry.  yes, I'm a jerk).  The Mr. actually fell off the ottoman in pain (Dawg promptly rushed over to help lick him off and El Gato got panicky and ran away).
La Doof Kitton spent a few moments looking smug before dropping off the night stand walking over to where the plate o' bagel was on the floor (the Mr, in his pain, had set it down/dropped it), and commencing to lick off the butter.

La Doof Kitton 1, humans 0

Another case of "HA, you can't catch me"

I may have mentioned that La Doof Kitton has an uncanny knack of knowing when I can stop him from doing stuff and when I can't.
He knows, without a shadow of a doubt, that when I'm nursing Buffy, he can get away with murder--I can't move and I certainly can't yell at him--either upsets the balance of nursing.  La Doof Kitton enjoys it when I nurse Buffy--he chooses those moments to sit on shelves and shove things off, open drawers and grab things, and pounce on his siblings.

Earlier this week, around 3 am, I was feeding Buffy in the nursery.  I was less tolerant than normal because I was feeling slightly better than death but still like I was wallowing in mucous and could drown in phlegm.  Mr. G got up, got me warm tea and, per my request, put a few cough-drops within reach.  (the bag of cough drops can't be left out because *someone* digs in there and hides them throughout the house)
Then, since he felt like death, the Mr. shut (but did not latch--if it's latched, it upsets Dawg and normally, only she can open it; the kittehs can't) the nursery's screen door (so Dawg and I were alone w/ Buffy in the nursery) and went back to bed.

Only, it was a night when La Doof Kitton was in rare form.  After running loud laps around the rest of the house several times, he sat at the nursery door and dug his claws into the screen.  When he really wants to, he can open the door this way....and this night he wanted to.
After the door was opened, he ran a few more laps, including the nursery in them--it's very necessary to include the nursery so he can run across Dawg's nose and irritate her into awake-ness.  It's also important to leap the baby-gate repeatedly during this and knock it over because mom so appreciates loud noises that disturb the baby at 3 am (insert a picture of me shaking my fist here).

Finally, La Doof Kitton got quieter and I, stupidly, didn't assume he was causing trouble. I dozed in the rocking chair with Buffy and then watched as a white-tipped paw snaked it's way out from under the chair's night-stand.  Said paw slid up the side and reached up over the top where it felt around.  I hissed "STOP, go away".  The paw froze...and then found what it was looking for...YAY, a COUGH DROP.

Next thing I know, there's a cough drop being carried across the floor in a wee kitteh mouth.

I 'whisper yell' at him to stop it.
He stops...just outside of where I could reach him/throw something at him/poke him with my foot.

He set down the cough drop, sniffed it over VERY carefully, and proceeded to bat it around for a minute.
AT this point, I consider just letting him have it and I considered letting myself fall back into dozing.  La Doof Kitton noticed this and stealing things is no fun if mom doesn't react!
So he set the cough drop down again...and set to work very carefully attempting to unwrap it.
More 'whisper yelling' is ineffective...La Doof Kitton seems to enjoy watching me be agitated but unable to do anything so he decides to up the ante...he takes the cough drop in his mouth again and carries it over to just in front of Dawg's nose...where he drops it.
Then he bats Dawg's head.

Dawg wakes up, sees this neat-o 'toy/treat' and picks it up and starts to carry it away.  (La Doof Kitton looks honestly perturbed by this.  For as intelligent as he is, he fails to understand why Dawg doesn't play 'properly' when he shares toys.  He fails to understand that Dawg's form of play = eat/destroy.  I do wonder sometimes if he just thinks Dawg is the world's largest, ugliest, stupidest cat)

At this point, I don't dare let Dawg just have it; I can envision sick animals and cherry-menthol-smudges across the floor so I give up 'whisper yelling' and make noises to wake the Mr.  Who then has to chase Dawg around to retrieve the cough drop (her 'give' command is best followed if I give it) and the rest of the cough drops go into my bathrobe pocket so they're out of reach.

Which would explain why they're currently melted into the bottom of my dryer...need to check those pockets.

I do believe, however, that La Doof Kitton's response would be telling me he was just saving me from the horrid cherry-menthol ickyness.  And that he really only wanted the wrapper.

Things heard in the G house so far in 2011

I decided that, now that we're a month in, to make a (short) list of things said to the pets (as a group) and specifically La Doof Kitton in the first month of the new year.  I think this is evidence that he did not make a resolution to be well behaved.  And we probably sound like mean pet parents. 

• It's all your fault we can't have nice things
• You don't have balls, quit mounting your sister
• Pick on someone your own size (Because he was picking on El Gato--nevermind she out weighs him by *cough cough* pounds)
• Pick on someone your own size does NOT mean pick on Dawg
• Get down from there! ('there' was a shelf, a kitchen counter, a table and a windowsill)
• Your disguise needs work; no matter how still you hold, you can't pass as a pudding cup
• (see above^) ...nor a saucepan.
• Saying 'nobody here but us pots' does not help the disguise
• Someday, your paw is going to get stuck like that. (he was trying to get into a drawer--more on that in another post another day :-P)
• QUIT reaching into the microwave
• You can be made into violin strings (he was trying to wake the baby)
• seriously?  it's a green bean.  People are going to think we don't feed you if you 3 don't stop fighting over a frozen green bean
• If you make the hole in the window shade bigger, I will beat knots on your pointy little skull.  (see above re: not having nice things.  He made the hole bigger so he could climb through and peer out)
• Dude, you will SO deserve it when Dawg eats you one of these days!  
• (^see above.  He was eventually pounced by Dawg) Nu-uh, not gonna yell at her.  You were being good this time, but you deserved it for trying to eat her ear while she was sleeping last night.  And stealing her bed 3 nights last week
• Yes doofus, that tail is still attached to your butt.  But your attempt to remove it is entertaining!
• If you push that book off the shelf one more time, I will throw it at you (please note, he only shoves things off shelves when I can't reach him because I'm holding a baby.  He knows this)
• Cough drops are not cat toys.
• (see above^) Neither are cough drop wrappers!
• (see above^) Neither are pacifiers.  And, ew, now I have to clean that.
• Catus, all soft surfaces in the house are NOT cat beds.  (followed by booting him out of the crib/off Dawg's bed/off my bathrobe/etc) 

I'm sure I'll have more to add eventually, but I thought it was a pretty good start for 1 month :)

Great Birnam Chair comes to high Dunsinane dining room...

Tonight they made me laugh aloud.

Tonight, I picked up a few things that Buffy will be growing into out of the basment.
Among those things were a snuggli type carrier (which we, before Buffy arrived, tested by putting  La Doof Kitton in.  There was blood drawn; it's probably not wise to try it again.  For the record, he doesn't fit into Moby wraps well either.) and a booster seat-do-jobby- -(It is a wee tiny cheap plastic chair to strap to a larger chair)

I set the things next to the couch and went about my business--which involved trying to strap cats into the carriers (which entertained Buffy) and watching spots on the walls (cold medicine is fun!) and teaching about 'pet nice' (Both cats were very tolerant of their lessons and Dawg wandered about for several minutes (until I arrived w/ a burp cloth) with a large gob of baby-drool on her head--I swear she thought it was a badge of honor).

Then I heard a 'whump' in the kitchen.
The Mr. said 'I heard NOTHING' but by the 3rd time, we remembered that there were cookies that La Doof Kitton had tried to climb into earlier in the day (he wasn't content just stealing cookies, he climbed into the packaging and tried to pretend 'nobody here but us cookies!' was a valid form of camouflage, so continuing to say "I hear NOTHING" didn't seem wise.

I walk into the kitchen and all I see is a tail and the white of one back paw.

I wish I had a picture but let me describe it; do you remember when, as a kid, you watched a cartoon where a character hid behind a large stick and disused himself a s a tree?  or when they put a cardboard box over themselves and crept about and everyone believed it was a box?  But we all know that when, in real life, one tries such things, we look like kids holding large sticks (not trees) or a box with a girl under it, not a box stealthily moving past the bad-guys.

Well, apparently no one told La Doof Kitton that these disguises didn't work, he had grand visions of sneaking up on *something* and not being recognized as a cat.
A small blue booster seat with one paw and a tail sticking out, was slowly working it's way across the floor and had made it from the couch to the kitchen table.
I'm not quite sure what said booster seat was going to do once it was hiding amongst the big chairs; perhaps it was just waiting for an opportunity to observe chairs in their natural habitats.
But we need slightly bigger booster seats; ones that cover Scooter-tails and hind legs.

Dawg does not go on a trip...

Earlier this week, Mr. G took Buffy with him on a short trip.
He packed the baby into her car seat and headed out to the garage...

Now, Buffy is *almost* worth coming across the 'lava' (that is, the tile) for.  Some days, Dawg will brave the lava just so sneak in one more lick of the "puppy's" toes. (please note, this is always problematic because while Buffy is incentive worth braving all the way across the lava for, there's no incentive to make Dawg act brave BACK to the safety of carpet.  So Dawg could spend considerable amount of time 1-trapped 2-scrambling in a panic across the floor [because the faster she moves away from the lava, the less it hurts--at least that's what she thinks.  Unfortunately, the more she scrambles, the more likely she is to pop her knee back out of joint.  again.] or 3-being helped across the floor either by a grown-up in the house touching her shoulder all the way back to safety (or, on occasion, carrying her) or by laying towels across the floor.  #3 tends to be the most common option).

A car trip is also *almost* worth coming across the lava for.  (the adults in the house are sometimes almost worth it but usually, we're chopped liver.  Or more accurately we're significantly less interesting than chopped liver because Dawg is fond of chopped liver)

So when Dawg saw Mr. G headed for a car trip WITH Buffy, it was clearly worth flinging herself across the lava for...Dawg flung herself to the safety of the landing.
Unfortunately, this wasn't a Dawg-friendly trip and Dawg could not be coxed back across the kitchen (lava!  and besides, that would move her AWAY from Buffy and the car--why would anyone move away from Buffy or the car, ever?) so the Mr. set Buffy down, picked up Dawg and deposited her back onto the carpet.

Dawg was not standing for this--she braved lava and everything, how dare she be cheated out of her car trip with Buffy!  So she started edging herself out onto the lava again...she made it as far as sliding herself under the kitchen table (Mr. G was trying to get out the door before this
At that moment, Buffy cried. 


The cry startled Dawg who jumped.  The jump knocked over a chair.  The chair hit the floor with a loud BANG.  The bang made Buffy SCREAM (this would be an upgrade, er downgrade?  from cry--the pets are bothered by scream a lot more than they are bothered by cry).  The scream set la Doof Kitton (who had been stalking Dawg) into motion...his tail went puffy and his legs pulled off that scooby-doo move where the feet move frantically at a speed beyond belief...and the animal goes nowhere.
The Scooby-ing La Doof Kitton knocked over a 2nd chair.
The second chair startled Buffy out of her scream and she went quiet and alert.
And at that, La Doof Kitton got his footing and launched himself away--not quite sure where he went, but he pouted for most of the rest of the day.

Poor Dawg was utterly confused by all of this. And she was, again, carried to safety.
And didn't go on a trip.
But for some reason, I think Dawg came closer to winning than La Doof Kitton did--serves him right for stalking Melvin-the-tail-of-the-Dawg across the lava.

(and, La Doof Kitton just came over, stepped on the mouse, and closed the window I was typing this post in.  Thank goodness for autosave)