Mmmm, chips

Everyone loves potato chips. And you can't eat just one...

Which is why, apparently, La Doof Kitton chewed a hole in a second bag of potato chips after chewing a hole in the first bag.
Holes which I discovered when taking care of groceries, I picked up the existing bags of chips, and watched rather stupidly as chips and crumbs poured out of the bottom of 2 bags into a ginormous mess in the middle of the floor.

(Apparently though, he doesn't like eating chips. He just THINKS he likes chips until he manages to get the bag opened, licks off a few, and then moves on to something else.)

And now we have to find a new home for the chips.

Ooooh, jewelry!

I came home from work today and wondered why La Doof Kitton kept attacking the bedspread; that's not his normal style.

And then I saw it...my sapphire bracelet was on the bed.
I gaped, I swore, I threatened to beat knots on his wee gray skull and I took it away and went to put it back in the bracelet drawer of my jewelry box, which is when I noticed that he has figured out those drawers.
(Initially, I figured I had left things out where they were accessible, not that he was this much smarter than me. I should know by now that he's smarter than me.)

The bracelet drawer was pulled out and I have steadily been hunting down my shiny bits; the sapphires from the bed, the blue glass beads from inside the hamper (I have no idea how either--like I said, he's smarter than me), the garnets from the edge of a closet, etc.

SOMEWHERE in the house a small plain gold chain bracelet is hiding, I have no idea where. I think La Doof Kitton is hoping to keep his spoils of war as a necklace and I"m still at a loss for how better to store my baubles.

How La Doof Kitton became a felon...

There were some nice police officers at our house recently (some people know that story, others don't. Suffice to say, everyone is FINE; it was routine, they were nice people doing their job. And Dawg DID have a license so we didn't have to pay that fine. Like we did last time officials visited with us.)

AENYHOO, Dawg was shut into a room because, well, she's Dawg. Which was fine except during their checking, the nice officer didn't realize she was there and kinda startled him by ramming herself head first into the door and making "Hi, Let me out to pounce you!!!" noises when he opened it to make sure there weren't cat burglars in that room.
(and then we put her outside. Where she promptly trekked through 6 inch deep mud then, when coming inside, wiped her paws off ALL by herself...on the officer's pants. Yeah, her training kinda went out the window...)

During all of this, El Gato the Splendiferous was nowhere to be found.
And La Doof Kitton, by virtue of being La Doof Kitton, planted himself in the middle of the coffee table in the living room (center of attention) and stood on his hind feet to make himself seen.
So when asked we said "oh yes, he loves everybody"

SO the nice officer reached out to pet the adorable kitty...and the adorable kitty put out all his claws, grabbed the officer's hand between those nice white paws, and pulled the officer's hand firmly into his mouth.
La Doof Kitton didn't bite down hard (easy for me to say, my hand wasn't being gnawed on), he just held that hand very very firmly while evaluating whether or not police officers taste like chicken. ANd whether or not they deserve biting. And see if he would jerk away.

Apparently the officer passed muster because La Doof Kitton, after a moment, let go. At which point the officer took back his hand with a grin, grabbed for his gun and called the kitty some names that would make me have to put a "not safe for work" disclaimer on the story.
BAD KITTY!

I'm fairly sure assaulting an officer in the line of duty is a felony even for kitties; I also think La Doof Kitton just likes bothering people in authority. And would be amused to know he is a felon.

I was just picking out your jewelry for today

Somewhere, I have a poster where Charlie Brown complains that, knowing the alarm goes off at 7 am, 6:58 is the worst time of day.

La Doof Kitton decided, this morning, to spare us the agony of awaking to the alarm at 6 am. Instead, he climbed up on my dresser (he never gets on my dresser!) and started exploring jewelry. And at precisely 5:58, he started pushing things off the dresser ... twas the sound of bits of metal tinkling and spreading across the floor as a jewlery box and an earring holder and another jewlery thing hit the floor that awoke me.

There is no snooze button for that.

After about 20 minutes, we found my wedding bands. I'll start matching up earrings this evening to make sure they haven't disappeared into the depths of the cat's hiding places.

The Dog did it

"No mom, you've got it ALL wrong.

I was minding my own business when I heard Dawg making those weird growly noises she sometimes makes.

So I came in here and caught her playing in the torturous box of water machine.

I told her to stop but she wouldn't.


So I jumped in to stop her.
So...yeah, she did this.

What do you mean she's outside? Oh, uhm, right, I forgot.
Yeah, did I say Dawg did it?

I meant El Gato did it. Yeah.
And she SAID she was going to frame me and...look, she did!

I told her you were to smart to fall for that ..."

(El Gato was not amused with the accusation.)

Pic, just for fun

I think this is what La Doof Kitton sees sometimes; forbidden items glow with an impossible allure ...

Why we have no plants....

Walked into the kitchen this morning to a reminder that apparently the top of the bookcase is NOT out of La Doof Kitton's reach.

He tried to pretend he was much to innocent to have stolen the flower but just seconds later he succumbed to it's siren call as it convinced him, even though mom was standing RIGHT THERE with a camera to prove he was playing with it, to bat at the forbidden non-toy.

And now that all is said and done, the (few--mostly missing bits for some reason...) fake plants we have in the house are now on top of a curio cabinet without nearby jumping surfaces. We shall see if that's beyond the might paw of La Doof Kitton.

Why we boarded up a room...

There is an accordion door in our basement, blocking one large room off from the rest of the basement (well, it's supposed to block...)

This had to be installed after La Doof Kitton stole paintbrushes and little lead miniatures and bits of important things (repeatedly), in spite of attempts to put them up out of Kitty reach. (We have determined that the only place out of kitty reach is stapled to the ceiling, at least 4 feet from any jumping surface and dangling less than 2 feet from the celing).

La Doof Kitton proved quite adept at opening the magnetic closure on the accordion door. There is a knack to this, one merely beats on the edges of the door until the door sighs audibly, stares at the kitty in frustration and leaves itself agape for a moment. In that moment when the door is barely agape, one must merely get one retractable claw (must have retractable claws for this, that's why it doesn't work for humans trying to open locked doors) in the wee opening. Then the tail becomes the "lever long enough..." and it will eventually pry open.

The Mr. decided that he must better protect his hobby objects (especially since I recently retired a very lovely, poofy, powder brush for him to use (in something involving words like "drybrushing" and "flock" and "terrain") which La Doof Kitton wishes to have an illicit affair with) so he installed a hook-and-eye style latch on the door, about 4 feet off the ground.
Obviously, since mounted on a door, this device does *NOT* meet the standards to keep it out of kitty reach...

Last night, as in all the previous nights, we made sure the hook was firmly hooked and the eye was firmly screwed into the frame, fastened the magnetic latches and went to bed. And we awoke to a door open precisely the width of one kitty. So we gave up and resorted to drastic measures.

Currently, there is a sheet of plywood lightly tacked over the opening to the large opening into the basement. To enter the lair of the hobby supplies, one needs only to grab a claw hammer, pry up one nail, swing the plywood out of the way, and one can enter.
La Doof Kitton hasn't yet figured out how to substitute a retractable claw for a claw hammer but he is working on it.

I sometimes wonder how much the cats swear at each other.

This morning the cats were swearing a lot.

I was in the laundry room, shooing cats off of clean clothes and trying to head out the door. The Mr. translated the conversation the cats had from "hiss, grumble, growl" into something resembling English...

La Doof Kitton: You're fat and mom loves me more
El Gato: *obscenity removed, obscenity removed* you, you *obscenity removed-ing, obscenity removed, obscenity removed-er*
La Doof Kitton: PBBBBBBBbbbbbth
El Gato: *obscenity removed* off and die.
La Doof Kitton: yeah, well...you're fat.
El Gato: Die a slow death. In a fire. Surrounded by dogs.
La Doof Kitton: You'll still be fat.
El Gato: And you'll be dead. And I will eat your food. And possibly your body.

At this point, La Doof Kitton retreated. Sometimes, it's wise to know when you can't win--especially when your opponent is double your weight and irritable before breakfast.

La Doof Kitton caught a cold virus. Kinda

I got up this morning and found this.

Yes, that's the plushy cold virus one finds at lovely stores like thinkgeek. This one lives on a shelf in my office.

Do you realize what this means? It means the LAST
safe place I had to stash things in the office is falling victim to his attacks.

He's awfully lucky that I only have plush bookworms and common colds, not rabies.

La Doof Kitton got caught in a door

There were treatsies all around. Some of our food leftovers that were pet friendly and they all love 'em.

So a plate was put down for each kitty (we dont have them share--it's safer for them not to :-), and the Mr. was taking a plate outside for Dawg (she likes eating outside and then we don't have cat/dog food issues--both of the cats are food thieves) and La Doof Kitton decided Dawg's food was better than his and darted out the door toward Dawg's plate (the cats are inside cats!).

The Mr reacted...and tried to close the slidey screen before the kitten got there....and failed. What he managed to do was to close the slidey scren right-smack on La Doof Kitton's middle.

So, I"m in the basement, and I hear "DUFF<>BABE, HELP" So I sprint up the stairs and...in all of this the screen got knocked off it's track--so it's stuck. It's stuck mildly pinching La Doof Kitton--to tight for him to get out, to tight for him to get back in...the Mr. has given up on the screen and grabbed legs but he can't pull OR push the kitten out. And the normally quiet kitten is YOWLING.

So, I get up there, he holds both hind legs, I loosen the screen, the kitten pops back inside and Dawg looks confuzzled and goes to eat her food. And the kitten is none the worse for wear. And El Gato took the opportunity to eat his food.
El Gato is quite please. La Doof Kitton hasn't quite forgiven us.

"I win" so sayeth La Doof Kitton.

(in response to "I win", the Mr. says "no, you are, officially, an idiot")

I heard a thump. Went into the living room (where the thump came from) and saw nothing out of place.

Repeat.

Repeat once more with a HUGE thump. THe mr yells up from the basement to make sure I'm OK ...yup, I have no idea what it was so I'm fine.

We head into the living room and find:

1) a fake plant (most of our plants are fake, the cats are challenging) on the floor

2) part of a DIFFERENT fake plant on the floor

3) a vase of roses (er, it USED to contain roses) on the floor in a pile of rose petals and a big puddle on the carpet

4) a photo album.

Everything on the book-shelf has been re-bitter apple-ed for tonight.

(which, as I'm getting around to putting this on the new blog, 4 days later, didn't work. Because I found fake plants in the living room for the past 3 mornings. and again 10 minutes ago)

I have no idea how many stamps WERE on the roll yesterday...

but the stamp holder was on the floor (it had been in a drawer...I think) and the roll was completely out of the holder and unrolled and there was about a foot of the adhesive backing w/o any stamps attached....no idea where those stamps are, but I think that bit of paper was shorter.

I think La Doof Kitton was trying to mail Dawg to Boreneo.

(Edited to add:

I must apologize to the googlers who are apparently looking for the number of stamps on a roll and are finding the ramblings of a crazy cat lady...

So for your edification, a US first class stamp is $0.42, there are 100 of them in a roll, and it costs $42.00 last I checked. But I'll have to refer you to usps.gov for updated information or to see how many stamps it would indeed take for your kitten to mail your dog to Borneo or Abu Dhabi.

Happy Googling!)

Intro

Hi
I'm La Doof Kitton. I'm just over a year old and after telling one to many story about me, my momma (G) was asked to blog them. So she is.

She's the one typing this because, well, cats can't type. Or when they do they say things like "Lol, Hai, wherez my cheecken?"
So the rest of the time, you'll have to just let her talk.

She says I do a lot of crazy things, some of which involve Dawg, my big sister (she's very dumb and very large for a cat. I didn't know cats got to 50 pounds big, but she did) and El Gato, my other big sister (who is fat and gray and sometimes kinda stinky).